What Are Half-Safe People? And Are You One of Them?

Are you surrounded by half-safe people?

Most of us know what it feels like to be around someone who is unsafe. They're the people who lie, manipulate, betray, or harm. When we see them coming, we cross the street. With them, the warning signs are loud and clear.

But what about the people who aren't obviously unsafe? Most of the time they're fun to be around. They're smart and insightful. Yet, when we spend time with them, we feel unsettled, unsure of ourselves. Oftentimes, unseen and unheard.

These are what I call half-safe people.

These aren't the villains in our stories. Typically, we call them friends. They might be family members or co-workers. Not exactly "front row" people, but they're in the auditorium, close enough to have an understanding of what is happening in our lives and what matters to us. But something about their presence leaves us on guard, feeling like we need to armor up. We start to shrink a little. Or a lot. We can't relax around them and we can't quite explain why.

How to Recognize Half-Safe People

Half-safe people aren't always malicious. Yet, they consistently miss the mark when it comes to emotional safety.

Some signs:

• Quick to criticize, slow to understand

• Leave you out of decisions that directly impact your life

• Committed to misunderstanding you, especially when it would cost them something to see you clearly

• Don't keep confidences, even when you've asked them to

• Stay silent when you're being wronged or gossiped about, usually to keep from "rocking the boat" and keeping their position in a group or community

• Reach out only when they need something, their interest in you is transactional, not relational

• Stick around only when it's fun or easy, the moment you need support, they fade

These people don't necessarily intentionally harm you, but they don't protect you either. They're unreliable in the moments that count most.

Why This Matters

When we surround ourselves with half-safe people, we start to internalize half-worth.

We lower our standards to keep the peace.

We start to question our expectations.

We stop trusting our gut because we're told we're being too sensitive, too needy, too much.

Over time, these half-relationships begin to chip away at our stability and self-respect. We begin to believe that full safety is too much to ask. That maybe, just maybe, this is as good as it gets for us.

The Hard Question: Are You Half-Safe?

This question stings, but it's worth asking.

Have you ever been:

• The one who didn't speak up when you knew someone was being mistreated?

• The friend who disappeared when things got uncomfortable or messy?

• The person who chose to misunderstand someone because it protected your ego or personal narrative?

• The one who reached out only when you wanted something?

To be fully transparent, I have, on many occasions I'm aware of, and no doubt, many I'm not, dropped the ball and been a half-safe person for the people in my life. We all fall short. But the difference between being unsafe and safe lies in our willingness to own it, self-reflect, change, and grow. We make amends when possible, commit to doing better, and become a safe person for those we care about.

The Even Harder Question

Are you a half-safe person for yourself?

It’s one thing to be half-safe to others, but many of us treat ourselves with the same inconsistency.

• Do you criticize yourself harshly but rarely offer compassion?

• Do you abandon yourself in difficult moments by numbing, avoiding, distracting, or silencing your own needs?

• Do you dismiss your gut feelings because they’re inconvenient or uncomfortable?

• Do you only show up for yourself when things are easy, but bail when you feel anxious, sad, or ashamed?

  
  

Being fully safe means becoming someone you can count on. Someone who shows up for you. Someone who doesn’t gaslight, betray, or neglect your own needs, especially when life gets hard.

A Better Way

Safe people are not perfect, but they are consistent, respectful, and present.

They listen more than they judge.

They take responsibility when they hurt you.

They honor your privacy.

They show up when it's hard or inconvenient, not just when it's fun.

We become safe in our own lives when we start requiring safe behaviors and actions from those close to us. We are a safe person when we learn how to do these things for those we care about and for ourselves.

What would your life feel like if you removed half-safe people and created a circle of truly safe people?

What if you became one of them?